Influences, Influences

You never know where or when you are going to be influenced by another.  Of course as a Catholic Christian I’ve been profoundly influenced by the Sacred Scriptures, and by the writings of many  theologians and saints.  But two other influences on my life I never would have imagined when I was ordained a priest. 

One is learning Bowen family systems theory from the late Msgr. Jack McCarren.  As a parochial vicar at St. Mary of Mercy Parish, Downtown, years ago, I would join the priests from central administration for lunch most days.  Jack served the Diocese of Pittsburgh for more than 30 years as diocesan secretary for social concerns.  A true Irishman, Jack also liked to hold court.  The rest of the priests had already used up their patience with Jack’s harangues.  As the youngest around I found myself strangely attracted to his orations on triangles, self-differentiation, sibling positions, and emotional cut-offs.  Once I looked at my watch to see that a spiel which started during the 12:30 p.m. lunch stretched to 2:30!   Didn’t he have an office to run?  Didn’t I have to get back to work?!!!   (For more information on family systems theory, go to www.thebowencenter.org/pages/theory.html .  Maybe I’ll do a post about Jack at a later time.)

The second is the subject of this post.  Around that same time I stumbled upon the little paperback, Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In.   It has been a life-changer.  Two fellows of the Harvard Negotiation Project, Roger Fisher and William Ury, use clear prose and enlightening stories to explain their understanding of how to negotiate.  The blurb on the back of the most recent revised edition states by reading this book you learn to:

• Disentangle the people from the problem
• Focus on interests, not positions
• Work together to find creative and fair options
• Negotiate successfully with anybody at any level.

And you learn to develop your BATNA – the best alternative to a negotiated agreement.  As the first sentences of the book state, “Like it or not, you are a negotiator.  Negotiation is a fact of life.”  Conflict seems to be a growth industry.  How do you deal with it?  This book taught me useful techniques I could, did, and do successfully use. 

These techniques were especially helpful later when I was responsible for merging parishes, or dealing with conflicting issues in parish and diocesan life.  I didn’t win every battle (far from it) but I knew I could be both hard on the principles and soft on the people—and hold my head up no matter how the negotiations went. 

Since then two other books followed the themes of Getting to Yes.  Getting Past No: Negotiating in Difficult Situations came out five years later.  It addressed much of the emotional fallout of a difficult conflictual situation.  It’s sense of controlling your feelings (“don’t react,” “don’t argue,” “don’t reject,” “don’t push,” “don’t escalate”) and using forms of negotiating jujitsu (“going to the balcony,” “step to their side,” and “reframe”) paralleled much of what Bowen systems theory addresses. 

Recently I came across a third book, The Power of a Positive No: Save the Deal, Save the Relationship—and Still Say No.  Both of these books are by William Ury.  Somehow it’s been around since 2006, but I missed its publication.  I’m very much looking forward to chewing on it.  In the author’s preface, Dr. Ury says,

“This book, The Power of a Positive No, completes what I have come to think of as a trilogy that began with Getting to Yes and continued with Getting Past No.  Where the focus of Getting to Yes is on both sides reaching an agreement, and the focus of Getting Past No is on the other side, overcoming their objections and resistance to cooperation, the focus of The Power of a Positive No is on your side, on learning how to assert and defend your own interests.  Since the logical sequence is to start from your own side, I have come to see The Power of a Positive No not so much as a sequel to the other two books but more like a prequel….Each book stands alone, yet complements and enhances the others.”

Frustrated with failure in an argument?  Angry when the other side seems always to win?  Can’t sort out feelings and thought in a negotiation?  Troubled with the other side’s dirty (and successful) tactics?  Don’t know whether to be a wimp or a bully?  I heartily recommend these three little books, all still in print, filled with wisdom for the one who has ears to hear.