From Dolan's appearance on "The Colbert Report," in September 2013:
As the cardinal walked onto the set, he ostentatiously bowed and kissed Colbert's hand as if he were greeting the pope. Colbert replied, "I've got to get a nice big ring if you're going to be kissing my hand!"
Colbert (in character) talked about Pope Francis, saying, "I don't care for the guy. He's too soft. He's too soft on sin, for me, this pope." The pope had recently remarked, regarding priests who may be of homosexual orientation and living good celibate lives and seeking God, "Who am I to judge?"
Colbert thundered, "You are the pope to judge! What is a declaration of sin or no sin except judgment."
Dolan replied, "Yeah, but we can never judge persons. We can judge actions. Jesus told us that. So he [Pope Francis] is repeating the timeless teaching of the Bible that we can never judge another human being."
Pleaded Colbert, "But I'm a pundit. If I don't judge someone I don't get a paycheck."
As they went to the first commercial break, Dolan took a sip from the "Colbert Report" coffee mug. He laughed, "This grappa is great--from Italy? You brought some back?" Colbert agreed. "It's pure grappa. It's jet fuel. You are going to be dancing on the table by the time we're done."
Colbert was riffing on the fact of two popes alive at once.
Colbert: "You've got a spare pope, right? Pope Benedict made you a cardinal. Do you think Francis looks at you and goes, 'You're one of Benny's boys.' No, no, no, no, no! Back of the popemobile for you!"
Dolan: "Well, we all are! He hasn't made any cardinals yet. I'd like to think he'd say, 'He was part of the conclave that elected me.'"
A few weeks later Stephen Colbert and Cardinal Dolan appeared together on stage at Fordham University, in a dialog on how joy and humor infuse their spiritual lives. It was hosted by Father Jim Martin, S.J., who wrote a book, "Between Heaven and Mirth: Why Joy, Humor and Laughter are at the heart of the Spiritual Life." Father Martin has made several appearances on "The Colbert Report," such that Colbert dubbed him chaplain to Colbert Nation. (Hmmm, will Father Martin be Colbert's chaplain on "Late Night" on CBS?)
The news reports I have of the event (in front of 3,000 rapt students) are mostly serious stuff, with Colbert putting aside his faux persona from TV and talking seriously about his lived Catholic faith. He remarked, "Are there flaws in the church? Absolutely. But is there great beauty in the church? Absolutely." He said, "The real reason I remain a Catholic is what the church gives me, which is love."
But there were some funny lines. Cardinal Dolan introduced Colbert's wife, Evelyn, who was sitting in the audience, and brought her up onto the stage. The cardinal put his arm around her and gave her a kiss on the cheek, and when Colbert feigned offense, the cardinal said (in a remark that brought down the house), "I can kiss your wife. You can't kiss mine."
Colbert did rant about the new English translation of the Mass. "Consubstantial! It's the creed. It's not the SAT prep!"
At one point Father Martin gave the two men questions via Twitter and email. One was, "I am considering the priesthood. Would it be prudent to avoid dating?" Former seminary rector Dolan responded that, on the contrary, "It's good to date at this stage, partly to discern whether the celibate life of a priest is what you want." Then he added, "By the way, let me give you the phone numbers of my nieces." Colbert rejoined, "It's actually a great pickup line: I'm seriously considering the priesthood. You can change my mind."
Finally, here are some more Colbert jokes from the Al Smith dinner in New York City.
"The last time I spoke on a dais like this was during the 2006 White House Correspondents' Dinner, so I hope you will give me the same respectful silence I received that night."
"Since Al Smith first shattered the stained glass ceiling, America has seen a flood of Catholic presidents, from John F. Kennedy, to JFK, to good ol' Jack Kennedy."
"We got close-ish in 2004 with John Kerry, who was a deeply Catholic candidate. In that listening to him talk was like attending a Latin Mass."
"I'm not saying New York is gay Mecca, but it's at least Gay-rusalem. New York City is the only place in the world where the lesbian candidate is too conservative."
"In all seriousness, tonight is about the littlest among us. Speaking of which, is Mayor Bloomberg here? The real reason Bloomberg doesn't want drink cups over 16 oz. is because he's afraid he might drown in one."
"The pope is constantly talk about about how the church doesn't need to be so dogmatic or hierarchical. Which forces me to ask the eternal question: Is the Pope Catholic? And if not, where are bears going to the bathroom?"
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