Some Church Humor, Anyone?

Every summer I try to do a column on humor.  I don't know why--it's summer, I'm a failed comedy writer, something different, I like to laugh--whatever.  I've done the Catholic alphabet, homespun philosopher Will Rogers, and the usual priest jokes.  Today it's the banter between two unlikely friends, Stephen Colbert and Cardinal Timothy Dolan of New York.  First is the column which will appear in our July 20 bulletin, and then some additional material which was left on the cutting room floor.

Here is humor from two very different men who are friends, Cardinal Timothy Dolan and Stephen Colbert.

Cardinal Dolan is the archbishop of New York, and the former president of the U.S. Catholic Conference of Bishops.  He is also well known for his belly laughs and one-liners, making fun of himself and his rotund figure.

When he was archbishop of Milwaukee, he met with Pope John Paul II in Rome on his ad limina visit.  He reported on his local church and said, "Holy Father, we have good news.  The Archdiocese of Milwaukee is growing."  The pope said, "So is its archbishop."  Dolan laughed and replied, "Holy Father, please assure me that is not an infallible statement."

On a recent edition of his weekly show on "The Catholic Channel" on Sirius  XM satellite radio, Cardinal Dolan spent several minutes on air extolling the deliciousness of a box of fancy French pastries that a producer had brought him as a gift.  In the spirit of Pope Francis, Dolan said, "I am going to give these to a hungry person. (Pause)  Namely me at about 4 o'clock this afternoon."  He regularly jabs about his weight ("I'm the only guy that breaks a sweat while he's eating"), his radio ratings ("my mother is my only listener"), and his Irish heritage ("I tried to trace my family roots in Ireland, but I got so embarrassed that I had to stop.  It was not a pretty picture.").

Stephen Colbert is the host of Comedy Central's "The Colbert Report."  In the spring CBS announced that Colbert will take David Letterman's place as host of "Late Night" in 2015.  In real life Colbert is a practicing Catholic, who for several years taught CCD in his home parish in New Jersey.

Last year Colbert hosted Dolan on his show.  Colbert, using his TV identity as a blowhard, right-wing, not-too-bright pundit, welcomed Dolan saying, "You're the second most famous Catholic in America--after myself."  Colbert then asked Dolan about the recent papal conclave in which Francis was elected pope.  Dolan:  "There's really not much to say--I lost."  Colbert:  "You did not get the gig.....I was pretty mad because I had fifty bucks on you."  Colbert asked the cardinal what name he would have taken if he had been elected pope.  The cardinal paused, and said simply, "Stephen."  The studio audience roared.

A few weeks later Cardinal Dolan returned the favor and asked Stephen Colbert to be the main speaker at the prestigious Alfred E. Smith Dinner for New York Catholic Charities.  Colbert opened his remarks by declaring himself "America's most famous Catholic."  Then he said, "I know what the cardinal is thinking:  'Stephen, pride is a sin.'  Well, Cardinal, so is envy, so we're even."  Colbert also made fun of the cardinal's cassock.  "I have great respect for Cardinal Dolan, though I do have to say, sir, it is not easy when you're wearing that outfit.  In that cape and red sash, you look like a matador who's really let himself go.  Did you not see the invite?  It said, white tie, not Flamboyant Zorro."

Colbert remarked that "Early this year  Cardinal Dolan came thisclose to being selected pope.  But he blew it in the swimsuit competition.  I'd have gone with the one-piece."  The comedian also mentioned Pope Francis.  He joked that if the pope had planned the dinner, "we wouldn't be in tuxedos at the Waldorf-Astoria Hotel--we'd be in sweat pants at the corner booth of the IHOP."  But Cardinal Dolan had the last laugh, as Colbert's humor raised $3 million for needy children.